My Hair Will be Magnificent, if Somewhat Solid

The Annual ‘Galaxy Hair’ contest is coming up yet again, and while I’ve pretty much never won before, I don’t see any reason why I shouldn’t take home the grand prize this year. I’ve actually studied this time, both from a professional in the craft and previous winners. And they HAVE to be the best people to learn from, because…well, they won. What most people don’t understand about the noble art of whipping one’s hair back in forth in a rhythmic fashion to music is that it’s a multi-faceted process. It’s not just about the song, or the movements, or the choreography. It’s a unique blend of many different elements; all of those, and of course a gorgeous hairstyle that can withstand all that constant motion.

That last one has been a bit of a snag. I’ve visited every top-class hairdresser in the Melbourne CBD, and don’t get me wrong, they’re all wonderful. When it comes to hairstyles that I’d wear to a business meeting, or a glam rock concert, or maybe a party themed around the 1920s, that’s all just fine. But when I present my plan of what I need to do to my hair to make it flowing, fabulous and flexible, they say it’s ‘dangerous’ and ‘really bad for the roots’ and ‘you might end up not having any hair at all’.

All true, my hairdresser friends. But this is one trophy for which I’d give nearly everything. Year after year I’ve watched people get out there on that stage in front of tens of people and whip their hair back and forth, whip their hair back and forth, whip their hair back and forth, they whip their hair back and forth, and they’re always so much better than me. This special blend of hair herbs and spices and hairspray and mousse and wax and clay and mud and perhaps a little bit of bleach and industrial-strength bonding agent might be what I need.

Alright, maybe Melbourne hair salons are too responsible to do this to me. I respect that. I’ll just have to…apply it myself.

-Barb

A Case for Taking the Cake

My sister recently started dating a guy who’s a pastry chef. Why is this remarkable? Well, because her dates and boyfriends have consistently – almost invariably – been property lawyers. Melbourne has its fair share of assorted men to choose from, so why this extreme trend of attraction to people from just one profession?

I’ve never understood it, even in light of the fact that my sister is, herself, a property developer. Some of our friends seem to think this serves as an adequate explanation for the whole deal. Is there something I’m missing here? Like the allure of discussing the finer points of medium density multi-unit developments? Or the hypnotic mood created by the registration of subdivision plans? Maybe there’s a feeling, unfathomable to the rest of us, that can only be captured through a shared awareness of Section 173 agreements.

It might also be something to do with sis’s need to finance her ever-growing personal collection of properties. She hardly needs a partner to help her out there. But I guess it would make sense if only someone in a property-related field could really get their head around why she needs apartments in three different countries.

Our brother used to work for a commercial law firm. Melbourne life ended up taking its toll on him – it was too quiet, apparently, and he buzzed off to London to work in international law. He ended up dating a guy who was a professor in international economics at a very prestigious university. Even our parents are similarly inclined high fliers within the same professional field. Dad’s a pilot and mum’s an aircraft engineer.

Really, I don’t know what it is about this family – it all seems a bit overblown to me. I’m kind of secretly hoping that this pastry chef will introduce her to some new ways of looking at things – and maybe provide me, his girlfriend’s sister, with fancy cakes. I’m pretty sure he has to, by law.

Add Picking a Home to the List

So the girlfriend dragged me along to this carnival, which I have to say is pretty boring. The most interesting thing that happened- and I use the term pretty lightly- was when I went to see a fortune teller. Or…’fortune teller’. It was pretty theatrical, or whatever, so it wasn’t totally boring. Still, the most specific she could get was that ‘something is coming in your future! Something BIG!’

Well, yeah. We’re moving house soon, which we for some reason chose to do before the wedding. Not my idea. I mean, we’ve got one of Melbourne’s best property advocates helping us out with the search, but it’s still one extra thing to think about. Even if you get a buyers agent it’s not, like…nothing. I’m just waiting for the girlfriend to come to me one day and say ‘by the way I’m pregnant, or whatever’, and it’ll be the perfect storm. But that’s…unlikely. SO unlikely. I’m just not going to think about that. I already have like sixteen house options to go through, either because these people are too good at their jobs or because we didn’t give them enough search parameters. Well, I didn’t…she had a lot more to say that I did. I just don’t want our commute to be a nightmare, I want some space to have a family (if we decide to go that route, or whatever), a garden would be nice (although I’m fine with an apartment and…good. Just a good house. I’m not huge on DIY, so a functional place would be nice. Whereas the girlfriend had a list of demands that sounded way too long at the time. Looking at the list of places that we’ve got, I really don’t think it was. It’s our first time with a property advocate. Melbourne just has too many appropriate places for sale, I guess, so that’s one more list of stuff to go through and whittle down. Uh, why did we go to the carnival again? There’s way too much to do.

Gosh, Now it’s Underwater Welding

It is I, Georgina Glass.

As if I wasn’t already busy enough, I’ve now been contacted by the Melbourne stainless steel fabrication industry. Imagine that! They sent me a message saying that they saw a design for an underwater welding pod that I’d drawn about ten years ago for a school project. The teacher just told us to take something used in the industrial sector and make our own version of it; I think it was in metal tech? Anyway, everyone else was making weird-shaped cement mixers and whatever else- I think my friend took a wrecking ball and made it a gigantic cube- but I wanted to go a little bit further. I took an interest in welding, because it’s a fascinating industry when you really get down to the nitty-gritty of things. Underwater welding, for real? That stuff is crazy. So I did a bit of a mock-up for an underwater welding chamber, a bit of a different design to how they usually do things. And I’m not saying that I want to upend the industry or how they do things, but apparently there’s a stainless steel welding conference and and they’d like to get me to speak. That is, on a design I did in school ten years ago. I don’t think I’m the keynote speaker or anything, but wow, the fact that they want me to talk at ALL is seriously surreal. I don’t know too much at the moment, but they said that my design was really interesting, and there’s always a section on designs for the future. It’s only one night…at the moment. Hopefully this won’t interfere with my plans to meet up with the BF’s family, my cosmetics job, my course on energy usage…wow, I’m really spreading the whole thing a bit thin. Still, I can brush up on marine fabrication in Melbourne, see how they do things. And maybe they’ll give me a design job! Always wondered what that would be like…

-Georgina

Me and My Inadequate Sailing Boat

Well, that pretty much puts an end to my plans of sailing across from Australia to Hawaii using only a rickety fishing boat. I’d done all my research, calculated how much supplies I’d be needing, patched up the boat as best as I could, mapped out my route…only to find out that the coastguard won’t allow it. Apparently it’s tantamount to suicide, and you’re not allowed to commit suicide in Australian waters so they won’t let me go.

RUDE. Anyway, I have to steadily improve my boat until it reaches international water law standards, whatever that means. People are sponsoring me for this as well, so i’d better find a way to make it happen.

So…first up, I need to find a place that repairs anchor winches in Melbourne. Apparently, just having an anchor on the end of a chain doesn’t fit the law’s standards; I also have to have a way to reliably lift it back up, hence the anchor winch. I can SORT of understand…but meh, I don’t really have that much of a problem. It’s good back exercise hauling it back up. Also, I need to get an official to make sure I’ve got this outboard motor thing down pat. For real: I can’t even do the rowing myself. Apparently there’s a certain distance that you can row, and after that it violates some kind of maritime law they put in place after the great Australian boat tragedy of 1976. And look, I know many people were lost, and the whole thing was poorly planned, but I wasn’t going to be like that. I HAD a plan. Also, it’s 2017; you can hold WAY more food in small spaces. One protein bar can keep me going for days. Like, a day maybe. An afternoon, definitely. But now I’m scouring Melbourne for outboard motor servicing, because it’s the law. What am I going to do with all that time I should’ve been rowing? Guess I’ll…read some books?

-Darren

The Present is All Hyperbaric Medicine

They say say there’s no time like the present, because that’s why they call it the present, because it’s a gift.

Wait, let me try that again…every day is a gift; that’s why they call it the present? But then, the gifts of tomorrow actually belong to the future. Wait…is the future the gift-giver in this scenario? The future has the present, and it gifts it to us. That’ll do. But why are we getting a present? Is every day our birthday?

Phew…when I think deep thoughts, I sometimes just bend reality. I’ve been thinking a lot of them in the last half an hour, because I’m actually writing this LIVE from an oxygen chamber. Melbourne is just the forefront of technology nowadays, don’t you think? You can almost say they’re the future…and they’re giving us the gift of technology, now, in the present. I swear, this oxygen chamber is unlocking parts of my brain that I didn’t even know existed. So many great thoughts, flowing as swiftly and easily as the air in my nostrils. That’s a lot of air, I’ll have you know.

Funny thing is, I got this oxygen chamber experience as a present, which means I’m in the present, which was given to me as a present, experiencing something that was given to me…as a present. It’s like unwrapping a gift, only to find a gift underneath the wrapping paper, because the true gift was the act of receiving a gift. This is so many layers of profound; I actually cannot even. Who knew that oxygen, something that we breathe every day, can bring out such deep and meaningful thoughts? If I’d know it would be this good, I would’ve gotten into Melbourne’s hyperbaric chambers a lot sooner. Anyway…I’m going to take a nap. Probably about to dream some premium dreams, too. The ones where you can fly. Maybe even prophetic…we shall see!

-Bailey

Podiatry Explained

Podiatry is, at its core, is medicine related to feet, ankles and lower extremities (the leg).

For as long as humans have had feet, they’ve needed taking care of, and need to be given special care since they are in constant use. This is where the profession of podiatry comes in.

Throughout history, the job has varied; for example, in ancient times the feet were simply considered to be another part of the body that needed care, and fell under the broad jurisdiction of physicians. It wasn’t until the time of ancient Greece that the feet were respected as especially important, and enough to receive their own study and medicine.

The study of feet was treated as so different that it was separated from traditional medicines entirely, and was not included in doctor circles of any kind. Though chiropodists (as they were then known) were still physicians, they were not part of traditional medicine and were wholly independent. The 20th century saw their renaming as ‘podiatrists’, the name they are now known by in most places around the world.

Podiatrists don’t simply inspect feet and give appropriate medication; they have a wide range of duties, including x-rays, surgery, physical therapy and setting fractures.

It isn’t particularly uncommon for a sporting team or other such organisation to employ podiatrists full-time, since feet are an essential for many sports and need to be kept in top condition.

Orthotics is an even more specialised form of podiatry that focuses on restorative orthoses; that is, physically helping or enhancing foot performance with custom orthotics. This is another profession often used extensively in sport to help athlete performance.

Overall, podiatry is an essential profession; it may not sound like the most pleasant of jobs, but our feet are important. Someone has to take care of them!

Retirement Might Just Suit Me

Run a hotel, they said. It’ll be a blast, they said.

First day of retirement: excellent. Not sure I’ll ever get used to just…waking up. Not having to get up at 4am is lovely for anyone, but this morning I simply had breakfast by myself, no guests asking me anything. No kitchen crises. No sheets to fold or big fry-ups to make. Nobody lost their keys, or came back at 2am after a few too many drinks and caused a stir. It was just…me. So quiet, so calm.

I wonder if I’ll ever go to stay in a Lorne hotel? Maybe not for a few years; it would just be far too strange. I’ve been a guest at other places before, of course. I did take holidays sometimes, if not nearly as often as I would like. But still, going back to Lorne to stay in a hotel, after 50 years of working in one? That would just be a bizarre turn of events. I’ll leave it for a bit, see how I feel.

One thing being a hotel owner DOES do is make you ultra-judgmental of other places. I will say I tried to take off that hat and learn some things from the places where I stayed, but that wouldn’t have been nearly as fun. Judging just comes naturally when you’re in the same profession. If there weren’t enough mints provided, or I didn’t get a change of bed linen during the day, or if the breakfast wasn’t quite up to scratch, then I would let them know. Gently. It’s the only way people improve, and I’d want to hear if I was lacking in a certain area.

How is Lorne accommodation ever going to improve unless it gets proper feedback from outsiders? Not from me, though…not for a while. Which is a shame, because so many hotels could use my wise advice and many years of experience.

-Bruce

Hologram Communication is Coming

One day, we will all communicate using holograms. And it will be absolutely terrible.

See, right now we have video calling, which most people hate. In fact, we’ve gone *backwards* when it comes to communication, because people never used to have instant messaging or any of that silliness. It was calling them up on the telephone, or you just didn’t talk to them at all. Or maybe you’d throw up some smoke signals. But then one day soon we’ll all be chatting with holographic projectors so you can see the entire person, and it’ll be horrible because you can’t even just smooth your hair and hold the phone on your face. No…you’ll have to dress up, for every conversation. Ugh.

Just imagine how much power we’ll be using.  At least the commercial energy monitoring sector of Melbourne will be doing well, because instead of charging our phones every night or whatever, we’ll all have complicated holo-projectors everywhere and they’ll require loads of power. Maybe there’s going to be a new industry for Fitness Conversations, where people climb onto exercise bikes and have holographic conversations while they cycle to generate the power. At least then people will get fit, and you don’t necessarily have to be super fit to get into it. Still, if you don’t feel up to fitness shenanigans, then you’re up the creek. Or you’ll have to wrangle someone else to cycle for you.

See, this is why we need to be researching more efficient industrial solar, right now. Funding for green energy has been cut by the current government in a move to save money. If you ask me it’s an investment in the future. 

I’m happy to throw all my money at the problem, get solar panels, do whatever…so long as I don’t have to cycle just to ask my wife if she can pick up some frozen peas. Imagine appearing as a hologram in the middle of the supermarket. It’ll be so awkward.

Toast, and Buyers Advocacy

I do like toast. Everybody likes toast, I think. The best thing about toast is that it comes in so many different varieties, and yet is one of the easiest things to get your hands on that isn’t junk food. Choose your bread, choose your topping, and off you go. Toast, all for you, ready in minutes.

I wish building a house was more like making toast. Building a house takes SO much time, much more than your average toaster cycle. And then when you’ve built the home, you have to fill it with stuff, make sure the taps produce water, and the wiring gives you electricity…and for all this stress, you pay quite a bit. This is why I keep saying we need to look up one of those property agents. You know the ones in Melbourne. Property advocates I believe is their official title. Everything should, in this life, be around the same level of difficulty as making toast. For you see, toast has a hidden level of difficulty that many do not realise. See, you tend to eat toast at two times: once at breakfast, and any other time when you need food fast. That means that, while you’re thinking that it should be easy, it actually SEEMS a lot harder because you’re hungry and thus everything becomes a lot more cumbersome.

Building a home is similar. We’re told that it’s supposed to be this dream, and I suppose it will be eventually (a lot like biting into a delicious piece of toast), but it just seems like SO much work. Fireplaces to pick out, wallpaper to browse, and all the while I’m constantly wondering if it’s worth it. This is what I get for building close to the centre of Melbourne. Buyers advocates would’ve been so much easier; they could’ve FOUND us a place of our own.

Oh well. Guess I’ll just go and make some…waffles.