Boat-Wreck Television, Seriously

Sooner or later, the people on this show are going to have to complete a task with actual lives at stake. Like, they’ll get them to take on the jobs of window-cleaners for a skyscraper, and two candidates will die in the attempt and ‘Jack of All Trades’ is going to be cancelled right there and then.

But until that happy day, I’m stuck watching this thing under duress because my GF loves it and wants to turn every night it’s on into an event. Whatever…at least they were working on boats in this episode, which is my own area of expertise. I love a good bit of boat tinkering, which made it all the more cringe-inducing when people fluffed it up. I KNOW people in the Melbourne outboard motor servicing industry. Some of them might even have been there, watching this happen. Probably the worst thing was when Moira thought she could just chuck away the whole engine and start again from scratch, putting an engine into a rowboat that was about six-times too powerful for the model. Like…wow, just THINK. Even if you know nothing about the subject matter, you should know that the motor is far too big for the boat. It practically sank the thing as she was trying to install it.

And then Giles! Man, GILES, I would give him a slap across the face if he tried to suggest that he could service my boat. No technical expertise, but he talks like he’s some kind of mechanical genius who knows boating inside and out. At least he shut up after he accidentally dropped the anchor winch into the sea.

These people…I just…honestly, I’m glad there was a professional there who knew outboard motor repair. Melbourne’s reputation hasn’t been damaged by the show. And the worst thing? I have to keep watching. I’m invested in these stupid people and their stupid lives, and there’s no getting free.


Me and My Inadequate Sailing Boat

Well, that pretty much puts an end to my plans of sailing across from Australia to Hawaii using only a rickety fishing boat. I’d done all my research, calculated how much supplies I’d be needing, patched up the boat as best as I could, mapped out my route…only to find out that the coastguard won’t allow it. Apparently it’s tantamount to suicide, and you’re not allowed to commit suicide in Australian waters so they won’t let me go.

RUDE. Anyway, I have to steadily improve my boat until it reaches international water law standards, whatever that means. People are sponsoring me for this as well, so i’d better find a way to make it happen.

So…first up, I need to find a place that repairsĀ anchor winches in Melbourne. Apparently, just having an anchor on the end of a chain doesn’t fit the law’s standards; I also have to have a way to reliably lift it back up, hence the anchor winch. I can SORT of understand…but meh, I don’t really have that much of a problem. It’s good back exercise hauling it back up. Also, I need to get an official to make sure I’ve got this outboard motor thing down pat. For real: I can’t even do the rowing myself. Apparently there’s a certain distance that you can row, and after that it violates some kind of maritime law they put in place after the great Australian boat tragedy of 1976. And look, I know many people were lost, and the whole thing was poorly planned, but I wasn’t going to be like that. I HAD a plan. Also, it’s 2017; you can hold WAY more food in small spaces. One protein bar can keep me going for days. Like, a day maybe. An afternoon, definitely. But now I’m scouring Melbourne for outboard motor servicing, because it’s the law. What am I going to do with all that time I should’ve been rowing? Guess I’ll…read some books?