My Hair Will be Magnificent, if Somewhat Solid

The Annual ‘Galaxy Hair’ contest is coming up yet again, and while I’ve pretty much never won before, I don’t see any reason why I shouldn’t take home the grand prize this year. I’ve actually studied this time, both from a professional in the craft and previous winners. And they HAVE to be the best people to learn from, because…well, they won. What most people don’t understand about the noble art of whipping one’s hair back in forth in a rhythmic fashion to music is that it’s a multi-faceted process. It’s not just about the song, or the movements, or the choreography. It’s a unique blend of many different elements; all of those, and of course a gorgeous hairstyle that can withstand all that constant motion.

That last one has been a bit of a snag. I’ve visited every top-class hairdresser in the Melbourne CBD, and don’t get me wrong, they’re all wonderful. When it comes to hairstyles that I’d wear to a business meeting, or a glam rock concert, or maybe a party themed around the 1920s, that’s all just fine. But when I present my plan of what I need to do to my hair to make it flowing, fabulous and flexible, they say it’s ‘dangerous’ and ‘really bad for the roots’ and ‘you might end up not having any hair at all’.

All true, my hairdresser friends. But this is one trophy for which I’d give nearly everything. Year after year I’ve watched people get out there on that stage in front of tens of people and whip their hair back and forth, whip their hair back and forth, whip their hair back and forth, they whip their hair back and forth, and they’re always so much better than me. This special blend of hair herbs and spices and hairspray and mousse and wax and clay and mud and perhaps a little bit of bleach and industrial-strength bonding agent might be what I need.

Alright, maybe Melbourne hair salons are too responsible to do this to me. I respect that. I’ll just have to…apply it myself.