Metal Hair

I’m pleased to announce that I’ve been nominated for a Smashy Award! I knew that being in glam metal band would pay off – take that, mum. Anyway, the big ceremony is next week, and it’s essential that I look spectacular. I’ve almost got the outfit nailed but, as my peers will no doubt be aware, it’s really all about the hair. This shapeless ‘do (or lack thereof) simply won’t do.

So, it’s off to the hairdressers for me. It’s been a while since I checked into one, so I’m going to go to a place my sister has recommended. I’m not sure if this salon is really quite right for the task, but sis insists that they’re the best cutting, colouring and styling salon in the Melbourne CBD – can’t argue with that, can I?

What I want from them isn’t all that wild, anyway. For starters, I want them to dye my hair black (obviously). As far as styling goes, I’d ideally like to have my strands piled atop my head in a mountain that’s half teased and half straightened to within an inch of its life. Not too much to ask, is it? I’ve certainly got enough volume of hair for it. Needless to say, the updo will have to be done on the day of the ceremony, but I have an appointment for tomorrow to get the colour done.

Perhaps I can finally gather some pro tips on how to keep my hair silky smooth. I generally just wash it with some cheap shampoo and then brush it, which seems to cause it to frizz up. Sis has been on at me for ages that I should use a wide-toothed comb instead, and to use Aveda products (salon calibre stuff, apparently) but I’m keen to hear the lowdown from a professional.

Even if I don’t win the Smashy, there’s no doubt that I will have upped my hair game, which could put me in the running next time around. This might just be the year that I graduate to using conditioner.

My Hair Will be Magnificent, if Somewhat Solid

The Annual ‘Galaxy Hair’ contest is coming up yet again, and while I’ve pretty much never won before, I don’t see any reason why I shouldn’t take home the grand prize this year. I’ve actually studied this time, both from a professional in the craft and previous winners. And they HAVE to be the best people to learn from, because…well, they won. What most people don’t understand about the noble art of whipping one’s hair back in forth in a rhythmic fashion to music is that it’s a multi-faceted process. It’s not just about the song, or the movements, or the choreography. It’s a unique blend of many different elements; all of those, and of course a gorgeous hairstyle that can withstand all that constant motion.

That last one has been a bit of a snag. I’ve visited every top-class hairdresser in the Melbourne CBD, and don’t get me wrong, they’re all wonderful. When it comes to hairstyles that I’d wear to a business meeting, or a glam rock concert, or maybe a party themed around the 1920s, that’s all just fine. But when I present my plan of what I need to do to my hair to make it flowing, fabulous and flexible, they say it’s ‘dangerous’ and ‘really bad for the roots’ and ‘you might end up not having any hair at all’.

All true, my hairdresser friends. But this is one trophy for which I’d give nearly everything. Year after year I’ve watched people get out there on that stage in front of tens of people and whip their hair back and forth, whip their hair back and forth, whip their hair back and forth, they whip their hair back and forth, and they’re always so much better than me. This special blend of hair herbs and spices and hairspray and mousse and wax and clay and mud and perhaps a little bit of bleach and industrial-strength bonding agent might be what I need.

Alright, maybe Melbourne hair salons are too responsible to do this to me. I respect that. I’ll just have to…apply it myself.